How to describe it? I remain trapped in what I think of as a sort of "spiritual funk". No desire to worship, nor to read anything meaningful. No desire to be of service. Just plain nothing. I feel as if I am simply watching life go by.

Psalm 22:10-11 reads:

"I was thrust into your arms at my birth. You have been my God from the moment I was born. Do not stay so far away from me, for trouble is near, and no one else can help me".

No one else can help me. I am counting on that, God. What do I need to do?

"Therefore I urge you, brethren, by the mercies of God, to present your bodies a living and holy sacrifice, acceptable to God, which is your spiritual service of worship. And do not be conformed to this world, but be transformed by the renewing of your mind, so that you may prove what the will of God is, that which is good and acceptable and perfect" (Romans 12:1-2).

In a different exercise focusing on the role of the Holy Spirit, I was asked this week to select any passage of the Bible and ask the Spirit to reveal what it means to me personally. I chose the passage above. I have always liked the 12th chapter of the book of Romans. In reflecting on these two verses, I think that the "message of the moment" for me has to do with the concept of worship.

I am struggling at a basic level with a profound sense of apathy concerning church attendance. This has been an ongoing problem for me, and it has been a true struggle for at least 3-4 years. I cannot seem to bring myself to worship God in a corporate setting, i.e., during a church service. There are various reasons for this, having mostly to do with me. And perhaps with a lingering sense of anger towards God, based on life circumstances.

Romans 12:1 talks about what worship really is. I think maybe God is wanting me to think more about the true meaning of worship. It's not as much a ritual as it is a way of life, a willingness to give all of one's life over to the service of God. Maybe the Spirit is telling me that this is what needs attention, my willingness to "present myself a living sacrifice" to God. If I am not willing to do this 100%, then my worship of God will be incomplete.

If I can ever get this straight, maybe the willingness to participate in a worship service will return. I guess time will tell.

A recent homework assignment from my spiritual growth group required me to "go a day without saying anything negative". The purpose of this exercise was to learn to rely on the Holy Spirit to lead and guide me in a positive manner. Boy, was this difficult! I carried around a small note card in my shirt pocket, just to remind me of the task. I would like to say that I "aced" this "exam", but that would not be true. I did okay the first day, as I was very conscious of the task. But the second day did not go so well.

"Take control of what I say, O Lord, and guard my lips" (Psalm 141:3).

Give it a try!

Jean Vanier, quoted in Yancey's book:

Every person has three great "cries from the heart":

1. We cry to be loved by a father and mother who can hold us in our weakness.

2.. We feel an adult cry for a friend - someone with whom we can share our deepest secrets, who we can trust without fear, whom we can love.

3. We feel a cry to serve those weaker than ourselves.

There is an implied progression here, in developmental terms. How can these 3 great cries from the heart be "translated" into the spiritual realm?

Quoted in Yancey's book "Searching for the Invisible God", attributed to Miguel de Unamuno (a Spanish philosopher):

"Those who say they believe in God and yet neither love nor fear him, do not in fact believe in him but in those who have taught them that God exists. Those who believe that they believe in God, but without any passion in their heart, any anguish of mind, without uncertainty, without doubt, without an element of despair even in their consolation, believe only in the God-idea, not in God".